I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
