I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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