Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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