he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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