I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize