i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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