i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
