i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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