he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
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He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
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On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.