Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌