I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
