We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
