How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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