By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
