Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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