is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
