I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
