forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
