I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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