she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
no you cant smoke seaweed
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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