EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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