She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I came so hard my ears popped.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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