My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
