Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
