We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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