I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
