You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
