My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
