if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
