I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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