I looked at my own cervix.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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