Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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