i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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