I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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