you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
