I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
