so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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