Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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