When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
