never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
