guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
