So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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