Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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