I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
