I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
