it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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