can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
