see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
