i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
