I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
