I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
