Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
