I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
