I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
