Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
