Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
