happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
