If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just pee around me
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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