um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Holy sore nipples Batman
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
