I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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