Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
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