I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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